Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Why Can't I Own a Canadian?

Snopes says this been making the rounds of many years but considering the lunacy being promulgated during the current GOP campaign of presidential hopefuls, in particular by Santorum, it seems fitting to run it by again.


In her (1990?) radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:
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Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination .... End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of Menstrual uncleanliness - Lev15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.
Your adoring fan,
Jim

21 comments:

  1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
    'Cause Canadians look like 'Murikans. How can you tell who's the slave??

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    1. Didn't bother the Russians. They had Aristocracy and Serfs. At the time of the Revolution, the Aristocracy accounted for 1.6% of the population and the (by then freed) peasants 85%. How does one differentiate between the 1% and the 99% in America?

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  2. Most of the 99% are happy to support the 1% and get upset at those who point out the problems with it.
    Part of their success in fooling so many people comes from the fact that it is hard to tell the difference. Too many of the 99% are duped into believing they are supporting their own interests when they go along with what benefits the 1% at their expense. If they could see a visible difference, they may not be so eager to play make believe.

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    1. Yes, by doing away with the official aristocracy and selling the dream that EVERYONE can do it, the 1% have successfully hidden themselves.

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  3. PS: There are definite levels of abomination! Crabs are more disgusting than shrimp.
    Polyester blends are more abominable than cotton/linen blends, especially for people who sweat a lot.

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    1. Crabs more disgusting than shrimp!? Why, that's blasphemy! I for one believe that steamed crabs are abominably delicious, whereas shrimp are a lesser shellfish. To settle this, I suggest a theological debate over piles of steamed crabs and shrimp cocktail.

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  4. Good blog Al. One of your loyal readers commented on a blog I had recently written and referenced you, which brought me back to your page. There are a lot of clever people out there who make good points, like Jim.

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  5. I have fond memories of this satire circulating around the internet years ago. Thanks for sharing it -- and reminding people once again of the absurdity cherry-picking scripture.

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  6. I heard that it's simply a lot harder to get Canadians to work in fields and orchards because they're not typically a step away from starving to death. Maybe this is just a rumor.

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    1. Canadians make lousy slaves for the same reason Native Americans made lousy slaves.

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  7. Excellent comeback! I'll bet Dr. Laura didn't answer it, or she did it was only with a put-down made in passing.

    BTW, I don't know if it was Leviticus, but wasn't there an old testament passage that OK'd a man copulating with his daughter(s) if they were the only females available? Something like that. I wonder how Dr. Laura would like to pass that along as sage advice for our troubled age.

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    1. Don't recall ever hearing about that particular verse, SW, but there is never a shortage of females anyhow.

      No luck getting on your blog again. I can access other WordPress blogs, just not yours. Funny.

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  8. As a Canadian, I wouldn't want to own another Canadian. Canadian's are tough to figure out (and thus to deal with), and they're way too apologetic to criticize.

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  9. Canada would probably allow you to own a Newfoundlander.
    Being from Maine I think Lobster is the most abominably good shell fish.
    Leviticus also tells you to kill children that disrespect their parents...oops

    Have you read The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo? Leviticus plays a major part of the story.
    the Ol'Buzzard

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    1. Haven't read it but guess I will have to. Everyone recommends it.
      I don't mind shrimp if they are battered and deep fried but lobster and crab are a complete waste of time. So much work for so little meat.

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    2. The Old Lady calls lobster the cockroach of the sea.

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  10. Just wondering if there are any Canadians out there who would like me as their slave. The way things are going here in the states it may be our best option. I have a great deal of experience cleaning things and I don't eat all that much. And it sure would be nice to have some uninterrupted health care coverage for once. Just wondering does that cover dental and vision as well?

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    1. No it doesn't but it is usually part of an employer's add-on health package and can include increased drug coverage. For the self employed, if there is a professional or other group/association, add-on coverage is usually available at a very reasonable cost.

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  11. Considering I'd be a slave it wouldn't cost me anything :-)

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